"...the greatest suffering is being lonely, feeling unloved, having no one. I have come more and more to realize that it is being unwanted that is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience."
~Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Being unloved and unwanted is terrifying. I'd daresay that it is probably the reason that people put up with all kinds of emotional abuse; if you don't take it, "then there would be no one to love me", thing.
Scary.
I know first-hand how scary this is, I went through it with someone that was only too happy to pull out the "we are a family" schtick when it was something they wanted, that meant a lot of extra work for me, or not in my best interests. When things went south, though... they grabbed their behind in both hands and headed for the hills (metaphorically), leaving me to deal with the fallout. When the smoke cleared, I was expected to be okay with trusting this person again, the way that I had before.
That was an unforgettable, watershed moment for me. Something inside me snapped. I had worked so hard for people to like me, to respect me, to be a stand up person, by doing what others wanted me to do, that I had lost myself somewhere in the mix. And it didn't count for anything, anyway.
So, what did I do?
I said, "No."
And trotting out "We Are A Family" didn't work this time. (Have you ever noticed that when people pull out what you have in common with them to get you to do something, it is a really bad thing for *you* to do?) No one who knew me could understand why I was "being so difficult" ... but what really changed my viewpoint was this observation:
If I didn't do this, this person wouldn't love me anymore (BIG FEAR)...
but (facing fear)
their behavior spoke loudly and clearly that they DIDN'T LOVE ME ANYWAY!!
[!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sound of bonds breaking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
I'm so glad that my parents (who I've had my share of disagreements with over the years) were straight shooters... no emotional manipulation, guilt trips, and the like... so, once the blinders were removed, it was easier to cut the web of lies (spoken & unspoken) and machinations. Make no mistake, I don't hate this person, and life is too short to spend limited personal time with people who don't like you.
Is my life any easier?
In some ways yes, and in some ways no.
Yes, because my behavior and my feelings are on the same page. My worth is not based on the fleeting feelings of other people. I don't look into someone else's mirror to validate that I am a worthwhile human being, even though I am imperfect (just like everyone else).
No, because there is still pressure to conform, no matter what it may do to my spirit. No, because it is making the lives of the people around me more difficult. Everyone is learning about the new me, and she doesn't put up with trash from other people. And it is not up for discussion, either. I don't fight about it. I simply won't put up with it.
I will still give you the shirt off my back, just not at the expense of the things that are most important to me (the way that I used to).
But overall, I think that it has been a good thing. It has freed me to care about people, without having to take on all their problems personally. To allow my friends and loved ones to solve their own problems, without my help (which they probably didn't want anyway, lol!). Am I perfect with this? Nope. I'm still learning to mind my own business, but I'm getting a lot better at being dispassionate.
To answer the question that the post line poses, "I will." It starts with me. I have to exhibit the behavior that I want to see in other people. I have to teach people how to treat me, by walking the path.
Care to join me on the journey?
