"Passive-aggressive behavior is passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations.
It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.
It is a defense mechanism, and (more often than not) only partly conscious. For example a worker when asked to organize a meeting might seemingly happily agree to do so, but will then take so long on each task in the process - offering excuses such as calls not being returned, or that the computer is too slow, or that things are not ready when the meeting is due to start - that a colleague is forced to hurriedly complete the task, lest the meeting be postponed."
[Definition from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive_aggressive_behavior]
We all know folks who are like this... you speak with them about a project, or a problem, and they nod, repeat back what you said, and maybe even come up with a solution or two.
Then... they do exactly what they wanted to do - and that is not what you were trying to accomplish.
It can be very frustrating, and depending on the expertise of the offender, you may find yourself scratching your head, wondering if your communication skills are off, or if the person didn't understand you.
To paraphrase an old saying: they understood you perfectly; they're ignoring you.
So, how do you keep your sanity, *and* deal with these people?
1. Do not nag, beg, cajole, wheedle, or plead. Make your statement, and STOP TALKING. Remember, they understand, they're just ignoring you.
2. Don't get angry. It takes you from a place of proactivity, and will cause you to say or do things that you will regret later.
3. Cover Your Assets [Keep records]. If you discussed something, and a plan of action was agreed to, send everyone involved a transcript of the meeting, including who is to do what. If it's not taken, you have records of what you said, and more importantly, what THEY said they would do.
4. Do NOT count on them. No matter what you have to do, make certain that you have a "Plan B" and a "Plan C" [because your "Plan A" - them - is not reliable] to make certain that you get what YOU have to get done, done.
5. Don't take it personally, even though it may seem to be that way. If you do some digging, you will find that they are that way with everyone, not just you.
6. No matter what they tell you, no matter what promises are made, DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM - ONLY look at WHAT THEY ACTUALLY DO. For example, if they tell you that they are looking for a job, but they don't have a resume or portfolio put together, they are NOT looking for a job... they are just telling you that to 'get you off their back', because they don't want to deal with [whatever] issues they have.
7. Seek to distance yourself from them. It may take some doing, and it may take some time, but there are some people that it is best to love from a distance.
What do YOU do when you have to deal with passive-aggresive people? Comments, please!!
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7 opinions on this post:
This is the best I've seen on the web so far.
My dad is like that and those are the solutions I have come up with.
Stay in control of the game AT ALL TIME, no matter what.
Thank you!!
Yes, everything you have said is so true. I am learning to love the distance I have set against passive-aggressive people.
Thanks!
Tara
as a PA person, this is like ignoring the issue and going around the problem. People do this often. Being ignored sucks no matter who you are.
"Anonymous said...
as a PA person, this is like ignoring the issue and going around the problem. People do this often. Being ignored sucks no matter who you are."
if you don't want folks backing away from the heat, don't start the fire...
I am also PA....I find articles which are biased one way or another are useless for people to be able to grasp both sides.
If you want to be wise and knowledgeable, you need to study,accept and understand both sides of any situation.
Artcicles speak of us victimizing ourselves, etc. But I concur with the other PA comment....it is ignoring the fact of why we do it.
Maybe if someone created an article, from their own biased opinion and find someone who is on the opposite side of the door maybe there would be more understanding and balance in how we deal with each other.
I guess after all, we are all still pretty blinded to the other side of things.
Im on the losing side of the "let's get away from that person" solution that this article so stupidly gives.
1. I hope people who think that about me do in fact get away from me. Why would I want people who think so little of me to be around me
2. people with PA like myself have in fact gone thorugh life events that have made us this way. Seeing it from my side, I don't imagine myself putting a distance between me and a loved one, if anything we need a bit of patience and understanding.
In my second point I guess it comes down to how much you do care about the person or not, if not that much, well....number 1 seems like the choice to pick.
do e-mail me w comments...
frias.paulina@gmail.com
I am one to look for help for my actions and passive aggressivness, and this article did nothing for me. So next time, think about not making your artciles so biased....it only shows how close minded people are.
Pauline,
I appreciate your taking the time to respond.
You are correct; the post wasn't written to help you... the point of the post was how to deal with people who, for whatever reason, deliberately do not do what they say that they will do... or lead you to believe that they will do.
Only you can decide how you will respond to conflict between yourself and another person. PA is a response, however you need to be clear in your own mind about what you want to accomplish in your relationship with the other person.
PA behavior is a WITHDRAWAL from the 'emotional relationship' account. Too many withdrawals, and you'll be overdrawn. [That's where the 'Seek to distance yourself from them' comes in.]
YOU are responsible for how you CHOOSE to interact with other people. If you see that your behavior is causing you problems, you may want to consider talking with a friend or a therapist. You can learn to CHOOSE better behaviors.
No one can fix anyone except themselves.
All the love in the world will not 'cure' a person who chooses to exhibit unacceptable behaviors... all it does is enable them, and encourage them to continue on with it.
Other people have choices too... and while I didn't mention it in my post, PA behavior is abusive. If you are on the receiving end of it, put a stop to it [or get out], if you are on the giving end of it, seek help. You can learn healthier ways of interacting and dealing with conflict.
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