7 Ways to Deal With Passive-Aggressive People

"Passive-aggressive behavior is passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations.

It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.

It is a defense mechanism, and (more often than not) only partly conscious. For example a worker when asked to organize a meeting might seemingly happily agree to do so, but will then take so long on each task in the process - offering excuses such as calls not being returned, or that the computer is too slow, or that things are not ready when the meeting is due to start - that a colleague is forced to hurriedly complete the task, lest the meeting be postponed."

[Definition from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive_aggressive_behavior]

We all know folks who are like this... you speak with them about a project, or a problem, and they nod, repeat back what you said, and maybe even come up with a solution or two.

Then... they do exactly what they wanted to do - and that is not what you were trying to accomplish.

It can be very frustrating, and depending on the expertise of the offender, you may find yourself scratching your head, wondering if your communication skills are off, or if the person didn't understand you.

To paraphrase an old saying: they understood you perfectly; they're ignoring you.

So, how do you keep your sanity, *and* deal with these people?

1. Do not nag, beg, cajole, wheedle, or plead. Make your statement, and STOP TALKING. Remember, they understand, they're just ignoring you.

2. Don't get angry. It takes you from a place of proactivity, and will cause you to say or do things that you will regret later.

3. Cover Your Assets [Keep records]. If you discussed something, and a plan of action was agreed to, send everyone involved a transcript of the meeting, including who is to do what.  If it's not taken, you have records of what you said, and more importantly, what THEY said they would do.

4. Do NOT count on them. No matter what you have to do, make certain that you have a "Plan B" and a "Plan C" [because your "Plan A" -  them - is not reliable] to make certain that you get what YOU have to get done, done.

5. Don't take it personally, even though it may seem to be that way. If you do some digging, you will find that they are that way with everyone, not just you.

6. No matter what they tell you, no matter what promises are made, DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM - ONLY look at WHAT THEY ACTUALLY DO. For example, if they tell you that they are looking for a job, but they don't have a resume or portfolio put together, they are NOT looking for a job... they are just telling you that to 'get you off their back', because they don't want to deal with [whatever] issues they have.

7. Seek to distance yourself from them. It may take some doing, and it may take some time, but there are some people that it is best to love from a distance.

What do YOU do when you have to deal with passive-aggresive people? Comments, please!!

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7 Ways to Deal With Passive-Aggressive People

Who Should Be A Guru?

“The only person who should be a guru in your life is you. You’re in command of your own life...  It’s better that you develop your own power and authority in this area instead of reacting to what other people are doing. Feel free to lean on other people for ideas and inspiration. Then make your own decisions to figure out what gives you the best results.

Be careful not to make the mistake of confusing truth with popularity though. Just because everyone behaves a certain way doesn’t mean that behavior is aligned with truth. When you seek your own truths, you’ll often find that your discoveries are unpopular. Don’t let that stop you. It’s better to be scorned for truthfulness than to be praised for falsehood.” ~ Steve Pavlina

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Who Should Be A Guru?

What Goes Around...

Inspirational Story

A GLASS OF MILK - PAID IN FULL

Author Unknown

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, “How much do I owe you?” “You don’t owe me anything,” she replied. “Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness.” He said, “Then I thank you from my heart.”

As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.

Year’s later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor’s gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She began to read the following words:

“Paid in full with one glass of milk”
Signed, Dr. Howard Kelly.

What Goes Around...

Enjoying Life As It Happens

I recently acquired 12 laying hens. This was exciting to me, since the 10 hens that I have are not laying [as far as I know].

I was told that the new hens probably wouldn't lay for a bit, because of the stress of the move.

So, you can imagine my surprise and delight when we got seven eggs within the first 24 hours after putting them in our pen! I held my first fresh egg moments after the hen laid it; it was still warm!! [My best friend said, "Are you gonna EAT it?!? Ewww!"]

And they've been laying ever since [all of 4 days, but, hey, I'll take it, LOL!]!

So, as you can imagine, I've been using lots of exclamation points in my speech lately :-).

Here, chickens are like dogs. Everyone has a few.

So you can imagine the 'Did she forget to take her meds today?'-type looks that I've received in my excitement.

This is how I feel about it:

Life is mostly the small stuff. Many things happen in the course of your life that are only exciting to you; but how many times do you win the lottery? Get that dream job? Or are recognized publicly for your achievements?

Not that often, huh?

Well, for me, celebrating the small stuff... the day-to-day accomplishments ... that makes my life more enjoyable and focuses my attention on what I have, and fosters a spirit in my heart of gratefulness and joy in the here and now, instead of waiting for that time in the future when I'll have 'arrived'.

You know... Things will be perfect when:

... I get that promotion/job
... I finish school
... the remodeling is finished
... the children are grown
... I have $X more money in my 401(k)

and the things is, after the goals have been achieved, I'll still have to continue on.

Enjoying my day-to-day life, and the small satisfactions therein, allows me to face the disappointments more easily [Dang! There's a monster line at the DMV again!], and not to take it too personally.

Enjoying Life As It Happens

WHAT IS ANGER?

It is the mask that fear wears.

Image From: Memory-Alpha

Try it on yourself.

The next time that you get angry, ask yourself, "What am I afraid of?"

And then wait for the answer.

Then ask yourself, "Is this something that I want to be afraid of?" "Is this something to be afraid of?"

The answer will surprise you.

Most of the time, you will find that you are afraid of something that you either:

Have no control over, do have control over and can do something about, or don't *want* to do anything about.

That's when you realize that, either way, you are wasting your time and energy being angry.

Do something about the problem and alleviate your fear.

Don't do something, and accept the situation.

Don't "try" to do something.

To quote Yoda, "Do, or do not. There is no try."

'Nuff said, LOL!!

WHAT IS ANGER?

On Spiritual Pride and Hypocrisy

I read this cautionary tale on UrbanMonk.net...

Once a renowned philosopher and moralist was travelling through Nasruddin’s village when he asked him where there was a good place to eat. Nasruddin suggested a place and the scholar, hungry for conversation, invited the Mullah to join him. Much obliged, Mullah Nasruddin accompanied the scholar to a nearby restaurant, where they asked the waiter about the special of the day.

“Fish! Fresh Fish!” replied the waiter.

“Bring us two,” they answered.

                                                            Image by: rogerimp

A few minutes later, the waiter brought out a large platter with two cooked fish on it, one of which was quite a bit smaller than the other. Without hesitating, Mullah Nasruddin took the larger of the fish and put in on his plate.

The scholar, giving Mullah Nasruddin a look of intense disbelief, proceeded to tell him that what he did was not only blatantly selfish, but violated the principles of almost every known moral, religious, and ethical system.

Mullah Nasruddin calmly listened to the philosopher’s extempore lecture patiently, and when he had finally exhausted his resources, Mullah Nasruddin said,

“Well, Sir, what would you have done?”

“I, being a conscientious human, would have taken the smaller fish for myself.”

“And here you are,” Mullah Nasruddin said, and placed the smaller fish on the gentleman’s plate.

Source: Evan’s Experientialism

On Spiritual Pride and Hypocrisy

Five very important lessons on how to treat others ...

I received this in my email; it's worth remembering...

1st Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:

'What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?'

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.

Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

'Absolutely,' said the professor. 'In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello.'

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2nd Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:3 0 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride.

Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.

A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 60s.. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him.

Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read:

'Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away.. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.'  Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole

3rd Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table.

A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. 'How much is an ice cream sundae?' he asked. 'Fifty cents,' replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. 'Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?' he inquired.

 By now, more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. 'Thirty-five cents,' she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins. 'I'll have the plain ice cream,' he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.

When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table.

There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.  You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

     

4th Important Lesson - The obstacle in Our Path

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock

Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables.

Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded.

After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been.

The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.

The peasant learned what many of us never understand; Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5th Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease.

Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.

The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, 'Yes I'll do it if it will save her.' 

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice:

'Will I start to die right away?'  Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her but he had chosen to save her anyway.

    

These are powerful and heartwarming lessons.  We could all learn from them.  

Five very important lessons on how to treat others ...